Tuesday, November 10, 2009

medication kit

first & foremost guys & gals
who is knowing well, pls apologize me due of my ignorance.
so many people close to me, who love me & have seen me go mad, would credit my progress to medication. i am more even now, less insane. i don’t self harm. i still experience to accepting what was happened to me.

i think i’m a far stronger & more capable person now than i’ve ever been. i sometimes feel like i can withstand anything & i’m not a hysterical mess who falls apart at the drop of a hat. i do deal with this, i don’t idle along on the path of self destruction. But…
yada yada yada ...................,

i want to stop taking my medication (i wish i could). i don’t know how i’d ever learn to join the mortal world in natural sleep but i feel (or don’t, as it happens) that i’m anaesthetising myself. i hardly even argue anymore. i used to argue all the time (ehiiiiks, gilo). i wonder if i am becoming one of those repressed worker, whose hate or hurt or any antisocial emotion only comes out when sober & the loosening of the tongue with valium, to a dead sleep and regretful waking (mcm zombie laah pula nanti, nyeh nyeh nyehhh).

if i am naturally mad (and i don’t mind being mad- i fear being crazy), then what is so wrong with that? i am furious i don’t have enough control over my moods to just live with it (tak kan laah jadi gilo).

sometimes, i just crave the freedom to go mad. i wish it just didn’t hurt people when i did. i wish i could be one of those types of brilliant mad people- the oft cited, yet always less mad than the people we know, the “a little bit mad”, acceptably mad ones. Eccentrics, they’d call them. i wish i could have a dial in me that i could set to “stop” when i needed to, naturally, not just “stop”, full stop. it is crap wondering if you’ll have to be on medication for something you thought was part of your personality for the probable rest of your life when you’re twenty nine. i don’t feel like i can win either way (ya ALLAH ya TUHANKU, insyaallah im ok dan sihat spt sediakala, AMIIIIIIIIIIIIIN)

oowwh ubat really make me s*** like hell and mad mad.....

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